This is going to seem Obscure. Sobeit.

Most readers of this will not have a clue what i'm on about.
Some will. That's fine.
Mainly I'm blogging this now because I need to put it somewhere i'll find it later, so that I read it and slap myself around before giving in.

To what, you ask? To a momentary lapse in reason. To having a selfish moment. To sharing that moment with a couple of key people you respect. And then being shot down... and in hindsight, deserving it.

To err is human. All people want to have their successes recognised, their efforts rewarded. To be seen and heard. To feel important.

Most people - and usually this includes me - are very subtle and quiet about this. It's inappropriate to go out and seek praise, seek reward. Where this is deserved, more often than not it is forthcoming. Most don't expect it, and are pleasantly surprised when it happens.

I enjoy helping people. I get a kick out of solving peoples problems, out of using my skills for wider benefit. I'd like to think that the time and energy I spend on volunteer and community efforts bear this out. But I do have to admit that, from time to time, it's nice to be recognised. It's the truth. I don't go seeking out recognition, but I do like it when it comes.

My recent faux-pas was in believing that I was (apparently) overlooked. And against my better judgement (and i've done this before) I made discrete comment when I really should've kept my trap shut.

In the aftermath of this it appears i've made myself look 'whiny'. Like i'm seeking recognition disproportionate to my contribution. Which was not my intention, though perhaps I deserve it anyway.

I think what I wanted to do was to share my feelings and have someone rationally point out whether they were validated or not, most likely to explain that either a) it was a genuine oversight or b) that there were other circumstances at play. I think. Emotionally, explaining how I felt made sense... however, rationally, having reviewed some of the conversation involved... I fucked up. My feelings were not rationally grounded, and expressing them has made me look selfish. I believe I have lost whatever face I had left with the parties involved. Plus, no doubt, the folks with whom this entire circumstance has likely been communicated.

There's excuses I could throw out there. Life's been chaotic lately, there's been a swag of additional personal stresses in the last month or two and without going into a lot of detail, i've been generally feeling pretty average about a raft of things that I would never publically admit. But excuses are just that, so instead I will simply say to my future self: Learn this lesson. Don't give in to temptation. Be genuine in your selflessness; if you can't live without the recognition, don't bloody volunteer in the first place.

Truth is, in this particular instance, the pragmatic part of me had already asserted that a) the cause was just, and good, b) the nature of the time and efforts contributed was enjoyable, and thus c) it was 'all good'.

So now the pragmatic part of me is busy slapping the human/selfish part of me around saying 'what the fuck were you thinking?' and getting the answer back 'well, really, I guess I wasn't'. And this feeling sucks.

Currently feeling rather small. More fool me.

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I should add to the above,

I should add to the above, the obvious; feelings aren't rational. They're emotional (by their very nature). So despite not wanting to feel the way I did... there it was.

So I hope that people don't read the above and presume that I must be a selfish prick for having these feelings. Instead I hope they presume that i'm a stupid prick for sharing them. Or at least. this is how I feel about it.